Alice – 20 weeks

A real conversation

Friend: You smell good. New perfume?

Me: Sort of. It’s the smelly flowers from the Pat the Bunny book.

Friend: As in ‘Judy smells the pretty flowers….’

Me: ‘…now YOU smell the stinky flowers.’ Exactly. Except it’s Paul who’s the future florist. Or possibly a jeweler since he can’t get enough of Mummy’s ring.

Friend: Wow, Jess. Wow.

Me: Don’t you dare ask me what I do all day or I’ll make you touch my scratchy calves.

Thank you to Yahoo! Mail for sponsoring this post about staying connected. I was selected for this sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective, which endorses Blog With Integrity, as I do.

Today will be a big day for my oldest, seven-year-old Charlie:

He’s getting his very own e-mail address!

We’re setting him up with his own e-mail (that will be HIGHLY regulated by us, as in we will be checking his in-box for him and logging on with him side-by-side) and so he can write to his grandparents and family members.

Will Charlie send emails about his new baby sister? Or (more likely) about the antics of his friends and teammates?

How old was I when I first used e-mail? I was TWENTY years old and the year was 1995. This is how ancient I am:

• When I arrived at college in 1993, I owned a Smith-Carona word processor, not a computer!

• When I first started sending emails in 1995 (usually joke forwards like the Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe and run-downs of the Darwin Awards), I had to visit the college computer lab. This now reminds me of episodes of Little House on the Prairie, when the folks would walk over the general store to mail a letter.

• My first e-mail address was affiliated with my university and had to be surrendered upon graduation. I then used my work email for all personal communications (NOT SMART!) and entertained my office’s system administrator with my boy trouble-filled missives to friends and happy hour notices.

• I didn’t obtain my first web-based email addy which I could take with me no matter where I matriculated or worked or which Internet provider I used until 1998 (what a dummy!).

But although I was always woefully behind the times with email, as someone who adores to write and loves to connect with her family and friends, from the minute I got into this medium of communication, I was hooked.

Nowadays with social media platforms like Facebook and Twitter that allow us to quickly ping our friends and send them shout-outs, a nice, newsy, personal EMAIL letter sent from one person to another is like gold. It’s the online equivalent of a fancy thank you note on engraved stationery. There is nothing more personal and loving and special these days than receiving a real, honest-to-goodness email from a friend or family member in your in-box.

So as Charlie embarks on his new email journey, I’m resolving to send more to my loved ones. I’ll be doing less @-ing  and wallposts, and instead actually typing out the greeting “Dear”.

Crazy, huh?

Here’s a cute video from Yahoo! Mail that Charlie and I enjoyed together…although he did point out that I don’t travel without him very much and have never been to China, so he’s going to be emailing Grandma in California instead!

Do you have a love affair with email too? Share your experiences on Twitter and Facebook using the hashtag #EmailLove. or better yet: send an email to someone you love!

Please Induce Me – a desperate plea to both my baby and Holy Cross Hospital, which has a new hospital policy of very conservative induction standards…even if a mother is dilating, effaced, completely uncomfortable, has a full-term infant confirmed as large by 4D ultrasounds and a history of large babies, mother is inconvenienced by child care needs for two older children, cares more about her own comfort than what is best for her baby and is a raging bitch on wheels.

(Sung to the tune of the classic love song favored by cheating bastard male dedication-making listeners of the Delilah radio show, Bryan Adams’ Please Forgive Me)

It sure feels like our millionth night together
Feels like the thousandth kick
You’re getting bigger baby
The size of a New York Knick
You’re still holding on
Wish you would come
Let’s let our eyes meet
‘Stead of pummeling me with your feet
Heartburn’s getting stronger
I can’t hold on much longer

Would you please turn that fire off….

So if you’re feeling cozy, don’t
Just get the eff out of Mom!
I only want to make you go
So if I whine more than I should…

Please induce me, you know not how I do
Please induce me, I can’t stop cursing you
Don’t extend this damn pain I’m going through
Please induce me, I’m at centimeters two!
Please believe me (Oh believe it), every threat I say is true
Please induce me, or on that table I will poo

Like hell this is our best time together
I prefer external touch
My cervix is not a moonbounce baby
And you’ve had enough
You’re still holding on
And I’m freaking done
I can feel the stretch of my skin
The expansion of everything
I can barely move
That includes my bowels too, yeah
These sleepless nights, while you dance the boogaloo…

So if you’re plotting late term, don’t
Time to exit the cabin from the door below!
I only want to make you go
So if I kvetch more than I should…

Please induce me, I’m not going to make it through
Please induce me, I’m hurling threats at you
Don’t worry, I know my dates are true!
Please induce me, her head is poking through
Please induce me (Oh believe it), I’m fired up to sue*
Please induce me, please book L&D room #2

The one thing I’m sure of
Is this baby is cooked, love!
And I’m depending on
Your Pitocin to bring her on!
With every f-bomb I am praying
You know I’m saying…

Please induce me, I’m swollen like a balloon
Please induce me, my boobs are bigger than a baboon’s
“Do no harm” and stop this pain I’m going through
Please induce me, my pelvis is cracked in two
Babe believe it, every word I blog is true
Please induce me, or I’ll resort to Creole voodoo
No, believe it, I will Google “home induce”
Please induce me, I can’t stop cursing you
I can’t stop cursing you

Yes, I know it’s safest for baby to stay in there as long as possible and be born at HER time, not mine. I know I’m beyond blessed that baby has made it full term. This is supposed to be humorous and complaining, not a medical stance. BTW she’s measuring 8-9 pounds, I’m 2 cm dilated, lost the plug, the doc can feel her head, my blood pressure is up, I’m retaining crazy amounts of water, can barely walk, she was a planned baby so I *know* our dates are correct…and yes, I’m being a total complaining bitch. I know, I know. I’m just ready.

* not really, it was just a good ticked-off verb that rhymed

TLC has started a website for parents called Parentables, which features interesting and entertaining articles and blog posts for parents, and I’m a contributor.

My first post is a humor piece about the random, weird, crazy stuff that happens late in the game to pregnant women…please check it out! I’d love your support as I blog at this new place almost as much as I’d love to go into labor TODAY!

My second piece is a sarcastic satire, How NOT to Make New Mom Friends. I for one need to brush up on my playgroup and moms’ club skills as I enter the land of baby mama playdates again. Armed with these tips, I’m sure to make a bunch of new besties!

this isn't me, but it's a credible body double...credit sportkist on Flickr via a Creative Commons License

I’m baaack on Wheaton Patch today making light of the fact that while I’m gaining weight like a sumo wrestler, and in between my six mini-meals a day, I’m planning an ambitious workout program this summer after baby arrives.

I’ll be on maternity leave, the older two kids will be out of school, so all I’ll have to do is nurse my baby and then work out all the time!  Right? I’ll be ripped and back in my tight white jeans in no time!

(Go ahead and crack yourself up. I”ll wait.)

So if you’d like a dose of super-sized humor and a legit time to compliment me on the increasing size of my booty, please come on over and leave a comment on my latest Mom of a Million Mistakes column,  Weight, Please!

I’ve also listed my all-time favorite mom-friendly workout programs, including exercise classes where you bring your baby and Rachel Posell’s Form & Function Fitness morning bootcamp in Kensington (I used to hit this workout before my husband had left for work and the kids had woken up, and in 4 weeks I was running without stopping for miles, was way stronger, and had lost weight).

Additionally, the first Moms Talk Conversation on Wheaton Patch has launched today, and the Wheaton Moms Council is discussing the Montgomery County Public Schools Language Immersion programs. Do you like the program? Are you hoping to apply for your child? Share your experiences and opinions–we’re longing for your input here!