I know that admitting to watching this show is like complaining about your weight, gushing about your new pedicure color or other activities so feminine and insignificant to our nation that I should be ashamed…

But dude, if you’re reading this here mommybloggy site then there’s a very good chance that tonight you’re going to put on your favorite pink flannel pjs, pour yourself a glass of wine and pour yourself into the whining lives of the surgeons of Seattle Grace hospital.

Now, I Googled “Grey’s Anatomy drinking game” and some pretty funny results came up, but they didn’t have what I was looking for. I’m not looking to get loaded, and why waste good pinot by pounding every time someone says STAT? And I don’t worship this show. It’s entertaining in its fluff and fast plot moves and soapiness. The fun I get from watching it reminds me of catching 90210 in college. GA’s about as concerned with issues medical as GH (General Hospital, if unlike me your grandmother didn’t get Soap Digest.)

So without further ado, here’s the official

A few weeks ago I posted some Momfinitions as part of the Nickelodeon Parents Connect & TwitterMoms contest to find funny phrases that reflect the reality of parenting.

And holy cow, I was chosen as the winner of the funniest Momfinitions.

I think it’s all the hilarious comments and emails that I receive daily from you guys, my fellow parents that read APISS. You all have me in stitches every day, and your funny is rubbing off.

Here were my Momfinitions – each entrant was asked to submit five:

Dine-and-diss: 1)When a parent lovingly makes a meal for her child, only to have said child completely reject the meal; 2) Although you have taught your child mealtime manners, child still loudly says ‘It’s yucky!’ when presented with food as a guest in another home or family function. I was so embarrassed, at my mother-in-law’s this weekend Charlie did a total dine-and-diss.

Disaster relief: FEMA-worthy work provided by that rare soul who stays and assists with toy cleanup at the end of a playdate hosted at another parent’s home. I love Leticia, she always provides disaster relief at the end of playgroup.

Peenial: A child’s blatant denial of her need to urinate. “Do you have to go to the bathroom, we’ll be on the road awhile?” “No Mom, I just went.” Honey, Eve is in total peenial, we’ll be stopping at an Exxon before we’re out of town.

Screamapillar: A very hungry baby swaddled in a receiving blanket, crying for mama and milk. Sorry Sarah, got to go and get the screamapillar out of the crib. [Full disclosure: This is a Simpsons character and the use in reference to a baby must be credited to my brother-in-law George, who is funnier than Seinfeld and needs his own show STAT, top federal security clearance or no.]

Momup: As opposed to makeup or a pretty getup, momup is a smattering of fast grooming passes and clothing grabs performed in a meager attempt to look presentable before heading to school drop off or other function. Usually momup is donned when in need of a shower and is a look you would never have tried to pull off before procreating. I can’t believe I ran into my old boss in momup, thank goodness we didn’t chat for long.

But I’m not the only winner here. As promised, I have a free Scholastic book for FIVE of you guys that left comments on my Momfinitions post. I said that I’d pick the funniest, but all submissions were so dead-on on the trials of mommyhood that I simply used Random.org to randomly choose the five. [Fun fact: Leticia of Tech Savvy Mama is featured in my own Momfinitions, inspired by our history as playgroup buddies, and she's an APISS winner as well.]

The five APISS winners are:

Steph: The Fred Flinstone – This is what we use to discribe the tantrum that Joey throws when he doesn’t get to watch another show, has to go to bed, didn’t get the color spoon he wanted, etc.

Joanna: Nanxiety and/or Waitlistophobia – The irrational and unrealistic fear and obsession induced by the frantic and neverending nanny/daycare and/or preschool search the weeks prior to working mother’s return to work. Frequently accompanied by physiological symptoms such as headache, sweating, palpitations, hypertension, loss of sleep and spousal tension which in some cases lead to fatigue or even exhaustion. May or may not lead to proliferation and multiple telephone conversations with other moms about safety, boundaries, honesty, trust, seperation anxiety, stranger anxiety, etc. etc. “I have to go home, nobody is answering the phone and I think I’m having a nanxiety attack.” “I know there are $50 checks written to every daycare in the county this month, honey, it’s just my waitlistophobia.”

Margy: Table whine – This is what we call that whininess that we get as we sit down to dinner. It definitely includes the dine-and-diss, but also generally covers any crankiness, such as the drama that accompanies a parental request for a child to get something from the kitchen. The effects of “table whine” agre greatly diminished by table wine.

Leticia/Tech Savvy Mama: Crankenstein- The terrifyingly cranky monsters that children turn into when they are super starved or overly tired. Most commonly spotted between the hours of 3-6 pm. “I hope Daddy comes home soon to relieve me of the two Crankensteins inhabiting our house!”

Eileen McNelis: Crankasaurus Rex – Oh, you thought dinosaurs were extinct? Nooooo way! This species is alive and kicking (and whining and yelling)-especially at the end of the day or right before nap time. My 3 1/2 year old son could make any t-rex hide in fear with his Crankasaurus Rex impersonation.

Congrats to you guys – as promised, please choose the Scholastic book of your choice for your child (valued up to $7) and I’ll send it to you as my thanks for your inspiration and humor.

And thanks to Nickelodeon Parents Connect’s Momfinitions and TwitterMoms for the laughs!

Parents Connect is interested in your Momfinitions, the parenting phrases you have coined that reflect the real underbelly of raising small humans.

Here are a few used around the APISS homestead:

Dine-and-diss: 1)When a parent lovingly makes a meal for her child, only to have said child completely reject the meal; 2) Although you have taught your child mealtime manners, child still loudly says ‘It’s yucky!’ when presented with food as a guest in another home or family function. I was so embarrassed, at my mother-in-law’s this weekend Charlie did a total dine-and-diss.

Disaster relief: FEMA-worthy work provided by that rare soul who stays and assists with toy cleanup at the end of a playdate hosted at another parent’s home. I love Leticia, she always provides disaster relief at the end of playgroup.

Peenial: A child’s blatant denial of her need to urinate. “Do you have to go to the bathroom, we’ll be on the road awhile?” “No Mom, I just went.” Honey, Eve is in total peenial, we’ll be stopping at an Exxon before we’re out of town.

Screamapillar: A very hungry baby swaddled in a receiving blanket, crying for mama and milk. Sorry Sarah, got to go and get the screamapillar out of the crib. [Full disclosure: This is a Simpsons character and the use in reference to a baby must be credited to my brother-in-law George, who is funnier than Seinfeld and needs his own show STAT, top federal security clearance or no.]

Momup: As opposed to makeup or a pretty getup, momup is a smattering of fast grooming passes and clothing grabs performed in a meager attempt to look presentable before heading to school drop off or other function. Usually momup is donned when in need of a shower and is a look you would never have tried to pull off before procreating. I can’t believe I ran into my old boss in momup, thank goodness we didn’t chat for long.

And through a partnership with Twitter Moms, if you write some good Momfinitions, you could win some cash. Exploiting parenting for money…you know I like it! If you have a blog or a Twitter account, go here to learn how you can win too.

But it’s not fair that I get all the cash and glory. You readers need some lovin’ too – so here’s what I have for you:

Leave a comment below, here on APISS, with your own funny Momfinition and for the FIVE commenters that make me laugh the hardest I’ll buy a brand new book from Scholastic. The book will be of your choosing, up to a $7 value!

(AND don’t forget to come over to APISS Reviews for your third and final chance to win a pack of FOUR new books from Scholastic, tailored to your child’s reading level!)

Can’t wait to read your Momfinitions!

Today the Executive VP & GM of Bravo, Frances Berwick, announced that the latest locale of The Real Housewives franchise is

Washington, D.C.

Hear that? It’s the sound of every Georgetown, ChevyChaseBethesda and Fairfax gal in the area dialing her publicist, personal trainer and facial filler injector. FOFLOTUSes (friends of the First Lady of the United States) are particularly giddy.

Berwick says, “We’re tapping personalities who are among Washington D.C.’s influential players, cultural connoisseurs, fashion sophisticates and philanthropic leaders – the people who rub elbows with the most prominent people in the country and easily move in the city’s diverse political and social circles.”

Bravo is currently working to identify DC’s “alluring and discriminating residents, those women who have their pulse on the most important cultural events, political galas, gallery openings and fundraisers in Washington society. These leading members of D.C. society are in the know and comfortable discussing everything from the economy to high fashion. They are the talk of the town in the most powerful city in the world.”

OK, I’m a total shoe-in, if today’s activities are any indication:

• At my weekly Safeway load-up with the kids, the butcher knew all our names AND recommended the fresh beef kabobs, proof of influential player status.
• A true fashionista, for my summer collection I browsed online today for new Chucks and Reefs.
• With the big preschool end of year picnic on Friday, a school fundraiser dinner on Monday and a heavy schedule of birthday parties this weekend, my social circle is dizzying, I tell ya.
• Philanthropic activities? Honey, I always remember my envelope at Sunday Mass and there’s never been a canned good or blood mobile drive I didn’t own.
• Who needs a nanny when you can co-op babysitting and barter drop-off playdates with fellow moms of preschoolers? Due to the recession, Bravo will think this is HUGE and beg us Real Housewives for the secrets to the seedy underground of “free” childcare.
• Thursday nights I’m so money that I’m going to be on Mix 107.3 with Tommy McFly with the best weekend events for DC families. Watch out Diane Rehm, you’re going down!

Alluring? Talk of the town? Obviously it’s only a matter of time before Bravo becomes so obsessed with the mom blogger domination of sparkling Silver Spring that us Maryland mavens will need our own show….

That’s Stimey, Tech Savvy Mama, yours truly, Urban Mama & WhyMommy…the tackiest looking trendsetters this side of Microsoft Paint and the Potomac!

“Which wine will go best with tuna casserole? That’s what we’re serving on Good Friday after church.”

“You’re not supposed to drink on Good Friday. It’s a day of non-drinking.”

“Really?”

“Yup.”

“Well, Jesus didn’t have to take four kids to a two hour service. I’ll just get Yellow Tail and that’ll be the penance.”